What do you think of when you hear the term self-love? Perhaps you think of self-care, like getting a massage or indulging in some TLC. Perhaps it conjures up words like selfish, narcissism, conceited, vain, or even worse, masturbation.
So what is self-love?
In his book Loveability – Knowing How to Love and Be Loved, Robert Holden explains, “self-love isn’t just about what you do for yourself; it’s about the essence of who you are.”
He states, “Self-love is, in essence, a loving attitude from which positive actions arise that benefit you and others. This attitude of self-love is based on an awareness of who you are and what love is. Actually, this awareness recognizes who we all are and what love is. That’s why real self-love always benefits everyone. Love doesn’t know how to single out one person and leave out another. Self-love helps you to love and be loved because it’s all the same love. Seen rightly, “How do I love myself?” and “How do I love others?” are really the same questions.”
Robert provides four principles that are the heart of his teachings on loving yourself which I summarized briefly below.
- Self-love is knowing who you are. Self-love is what you experience when you make contact with your Unconditioned Self, which is your external loveliness. Seeing past your outer shell – your body, your ego, your personality –and recognizing the spirit of who you are.
- Self-love is knowing you are made of love. Love in not a part of you or something that is within you, LOVE is who you are. Love is your original energy. Love is the heart of who you are. Love is the consciousness of your true self.
- Self-love is how you really feel about yourself. Most people find self-love difficult, often avoiding their own company, feeling self-conscious or self-judgmental. Our Unconditioned Self is made of love that is free of judgment, unworthiness, and lack. Robert shares this quote from the beautiful writing of Irish Catholic priest and poet, John O’Donohue, “Your soul longs to draw you into love for yourself. When you enter your soul’s affection, the torment in your life ceases.”
- Self-love is a sacred promise kept. Self-love is a commitment that says, “I will not forget who I am.” It is a promise that “I will not abandon myself.” It is an affirmation that “I will remember what is real.” Self-love is how you are meant to feel about yourself. It is natural, not shameful. It is the key to being you.
Robert also shares in that, “Love is your destiny. It is the purpose of your life. It is the key to your happiness and the evolution of the world.”
In my opinion, self-love goes way beyond the self. It is not selfish, narcissistic, conceited or vain, and has absolutely nothing to do with self-fiddling. It is the core of who we are, each and every one of us!
Christine Arylo, author of Madly in Love with ME – The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend states, “self-love is the unconditional love and respect that you have for yourself that is so deep, so solid, so unwavering that you choose only situations and relationships – including the one you have with yourself – that reflect that same unconditional love and respect.”
While there are many qualities that make up self-love (such as self-care), none alone is a synonym for self-love. Christine explains, “Each of these aspects of self-love relates to and supports the others, just as a tree’s branches rely on each other to grow, be healthy, and keep the tree balanced and strong. When you practice self-care, you increase your self-compassion. When you build your self-awareness, you increase your self-esteem. When you improve your self-esteem, you more fully feel your self-worth. When you practice self-trust, you base decisions on self-respect. When you take actions that reflect a deep self-respect, you honor yourself. When you express yourself fully, you increase your self-pleasure. And when you exude self-compassion, you create self-acceptance. Each branch supports the other branches, and as one grows so do the others.” She continues, “Self-love is the tree itself. Self-love is the whole; it encompasses all of these sacred and loving qualities and actions, which is why it is the most powerful of them all.”
At our core, all humans have the same basic needs which include love and belonging as well as having a sense of contribution and supporting others. If we consider that self-love is how you are meant to feel about yourself, it is the key to loving others. Therefore, self-love is not selfish, it is the prerequisite to loving others.
“We can only give away to others what we have inside ourselves.” ~ Wayne Dyer
In her recent book, Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown provides this definition of true belonging.
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
Brené Brown also reminds us…
“Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve make that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t need to negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
Breaking the cycle of perpetuating our unworthiness or not enough-ness is not easy. It takes a conscious effort. It takes courage. It takes practice. It takes compassion. It takes remembering who we are at our core. It takes loving ourselves fully and fiercely. It takes finding our way back home to the essence of who we are. And it all starts with self-love.
